2016

Review: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

I went into Dayman v Nightman: Dawn of the Troll Toll (see video below) with exceedingly low expectations, which is a strategy that has been working well for me lately. I was hoping for the best but expecting the worst (are they gonna drop the bomb on us) and secretly wanted this movie to blow my god damn socks off. It did not, but it was a lot of fun to watch. I invite you now on my journey through BvS:DoJ, let’s start with a trailer that is superior to the real actual trailer in every respect to get everyone in the mood….

Things kick off with this movie chronologically right after Man of Steel (2013) which gave us an excellent take on the origin story of Superman. If you haven’t seen it basically Superman destroys half of Metropolis while facing off against General Zod (a fellow Kyptonian who is a real piece of work). And by “destroys half of Metropolis” I mean they really mess that city up, like, how did Metropolis even recover? And Bruce Wayne happened to be in town to witness all of it.

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Woopsie!

That was Wayne tower being completely obliterated by the way. So, Superman has just rolled into town unannounced and unknown and been involved in an insane amount of violence and death. Naturally Batman is not into this and the citizens of the country are also concerned which is where BvS begins, things have started off okay!

Enter Lex Luthor CEO of LexCorp. Words cannot express how much I hate Jesse Eisenberg as Luthor, it was frustrating to watch him neurotically mumble his way through this character who is supposed to be utterly terrifying. He sucks. Lex is trying to be the architect of the greatest battle of all time, Batman v Superman and although his plan starts with a lot of good ideas it deteriorates so quickly. Much like the film. As far as evil geniuses go he had a plan and it was a decent plan but it wasn’t diabolical or that clever.

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Lex Luthor lacking any semblance of villain worthy intimidation.

What started as a deep and thoughtful exploration into the resentment Batman and Superman hold for each other quickly spirals into a nonsensical farce with plot developments so weak it hurts. Maybe if Lex wasn’t so terrible it could have been saved? No that’s not it because anyone who has seen this film with their own eyes and witnessed the “Martha” fiasco knows this script was not exactly great material to work with.

I genuinely feel bad for Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill who both do a very good job in this film. Especially after seeing how sad Ben Affleck has been lately (see video below) because the fact the movie misses the mark has nothing to do with them!

Between the completely unnecessary flashbacks to the death of Bruce Wayne’s parents every five seconds and the overload of set ups for the upcoming Justice League films there really isn’t any substance to this script. It jumps from idea to idea as frantically as a small child trying to explain an exciting action sequence in a movie. “And then superman did this and batman did this and oh by the way all this happened ages ago which is important then omg lex luthor was doing something and then OH MY GOD THEN WONDER WOMAN CAME oh and there are all these other heroes but I don’t have time to explain..”

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She’s a wonder.

Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, now I had set the bar about as low as it could go, I had buried the bar of hope in the back garden of my mind palace because I love Wonder Woman. Her arrival on the scene was hands down the best part of the movie for me and she pulls out some serious bad-assery in her brief time on screen. I’ll admit I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this Wonder Woman! She’s absolutely nothing like the Diana Prince I grew up watching in the glorious Wonder Woman show but she kicks a lot of ass and gets shit done. She shows up just when you’re about to give up on the whole thing and somewhat redeems the movie, but it’s not enough.

All in all this movie was essentially a powerpoint presentation. There wasn’t any real story but a whole lot of flashy and admittedly amazing visual stimuli with a ripping score by Hans Zimmer (I am biased here because Zimmer is king in my books). That being said a lot of superhero movies do follow this format. I see people comparing this to The Avengers which I honestly hated a whole lot more. I think a lot of people will read that and get straight to their hate stations but honestly guys the Avengers sucked, Age of Ultron sucked and Batman v Superman was sucky but not entirely shit. Both movies are great examples of more style than substance but at least BvS has likeable characters.

It was awesome to see Batman and Superman beating the living shit out of each other and it was even more awesome to see Wonder Woman lasso the fuck out of Doomsday. If you go into this movie with the same attitude as any action movie you’re going to have a good time. Comparing this to the Dark Knight trilogy is a waste of time and energy, those movies were fantastic and brilliantly written and it is sad that it doesn’t live up to that but it’s not necessary to slam hyperbole everywhere saying THIS WAS THE WORST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN EVEN DAREDEVIL WAS BETTER THAN THIS (I’m looking at you Rotten Tomatoes).

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Affleck being comforted by a small girl.

I just think fans of Superhero stories in general (myself included I love this genre in every format) act like spoiled brats when things don’t go their way. Fans of the DC franchise have been building up hype for this movie in a shark like feeding frenzy for months on end and when they finally saw the film and it wasn’t as perfect as they imagined it to be they took up their pitchforks and called for the heads of everyone involved. Except Affleck, everyone seems to love Affleck.

So everyone just needs to calm down. Just because you love something doesn’t mean it belongs to you exclusively, just because you’ve read all the comics or own a batman costume or think you know more than the average Joe when it comes to these characters, it doesn’t mean you could make a better movie or get to decide “oh it’s terrible it’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen and I feel personally attacked by Warner Brothers for RUINING MY ENTIRE LIFE.”

I will be watching this movie again, probably a few times and I will be complaining about certain things when I talk about it but I don’t feel like I need to burn down Warner Brothers because they didn’t perfectly create what I wanted.

In summary this was disappointing, but if you’re a fan of the genre go see it with your own eyes before you jump on the hate train. It’s a good enough movie, a solid 2.5 hours of fun superhero antics that isn’t completely terrible. Will it be held in high regard among Batman fans? not compared to the Nolan movies. Superman fans? Maybe but they are upset that Supes didn’t get as much character development as Batman. Justice League fans? it sets things up for the upcoming Justice League films yes but it’s a pretty rushed example of team work at the end.

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Squad Goals

 

CablaGoobla 2016 Academy Awards Extravaganza Wrap-Up!

If you think the title of this post is long you should consider it relative to the length of the Academy Awards Ceremony, it’s no joke. Also strap yourselves in because this is going to be a big read in general.

Firstly we would like to officially lay the “Leo needs an Oscar” meme / joke to rest with a haiku eulogy in italics for emphasis;

Rest well Leo meme,
Greatness has been achieved,
Sixth time is the charm.

What a beautiful sentiment.

Now onto all the other glorious outcomes and reveals of the ceremony. We would like to format this post in the same nonsensical way the Academy Awards themselves tried to pass off their order of events; The order in which a film is made. This was of course a lie, unless now films are edited before they are directed and acted in by some kind of movie making wizardry. Let’s be honest Oscars your real order is “save the best for last” but you just don’t want to say that because everyone would complain about you valuing Best Actor above everything except Best Picture. So we have decided to throw your bullshit format out the window and reveal the winners our way. #OscarsSoBadAtFormatting

We didn’t watch the red carpet because the hosts make us blind with rage every year so the entirety of our coverage will be this one photograph.

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Red Carpet Highlights! Presenting the two most ridiculously good looking people alive.

Firstly our host; Chris Rock. Admittedly when we heard Chris Rock was going to host we both let out a long frustrated sigh, but he brought the goods and actually had us laughing, a rare thing to achieve at the Academy Awards. There was a lot of attention brought to the #OscarsSoWhite controversy (I really hate having to reference a hash tag it feels about as bleak as putting your drug dealer down as a character reference on your resume, it’s unreliable and you are bound to get some batshit crazy rants if you follow through and look it up). In fact most, if not all of the jokes surrounded the controversy of a lack of diversity in the nominees and this caused even more controversy as the only minority mentioned by Chris Rock was African Americans with no references to other minorities until they actual won (Thank you Alejandro). So look, if you found that confusing here’s a quick summary.

  1. 88th Academy Awards had ZERO African American Nominees
  2. Everyone starts talking about a lack of diversity in the Oscars
  3. #OscarsSoWhite becomes a thing
  4. Chris Rock makes a million (funny) jokes about African Americans being excluded from the Academy Awards.
  5. The Academy throws literally every single African American they have in their phone book into a presenting role on stage to overcompensate.
  6. The internet who started #OscarsSoWhite gets mad because other minorities are still being ignored.
  7. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu wins Best Director and makes a fantastic speech about the issue but the only coverage of this topic you will get is Chris Rock being controversial.
  8. Nothing gets achieved because as usual, “spreading awareness” was the goal of an internet campaign with no real solutions on how to bring about change.

Now the last part of the flow chart is a future prediction because we here at CablaGoobla are extremely cynical of any and all “slacktivism” and “clicktivism” movements. We genuinely hope to see more diversity next awards season and believe it is an important topic, but knowing the world we live in this will be forgotten by April when a new shiny thing to tweet about appears.

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A truly rare sighting of an actually entertaining host of the Oscars, for the Pokedex.

 

So we got a bit carried away there so let’s get to some God damn awards already!!

Best Picture went to Spotlight, which was an unexpected win. Even the presenter Morgan Freeman looked genuinely confused and surprised at the result. Because of his long pause after opening the envelope we came up with a conspiracy theory that Mad Max Fury Road actually won but Freeman liked Spotlight best so he just said that instead. By the time the backstage crew realised the mistake they were in too deep, the cast of Spotlight was on stage and the confetti was flying so they just gave them a free kick instead of trying to do damage control.

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Spotlight cast & crew after winning Best Picture as decided by Morgan Freeman alone.

Best Actor went to the one the only Leonardo Dicaprio for his role in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape no sorry The Aviator, nope not that one.. Blood Diamond? no… it definitely wasn’t Wolf of Wall Street, oh yeah of course THE REVENANT. Kate Winslet cried and he got a standing ovation, sweet Leo. We’re starting a rumour that at the after party Winslet drank champagne straight from the bottle and forced Leo to re-enact the spinning dance from Titanic.

Best Actress was awarded to Brie Larson for Room. To be completely honest we are yet to see this movie… so.. we’re just going to awkwardly move on after congratulating Brie and adding that it does look like a really good movie.

Best Supporting Actor went to Mark Rylance for his fifteen minutes of screen time in Bridge of Spies. The internet was pissed that Sly Stallone didn’t win for Creed and we are bitter because we are committed to supporting Batman, I mean Christian Bale.

Best Supporting Actress went to Alicia Vikander AND RIGHTLY BLOODY SO. She was, after all, literally the only good thing about The Danish Girl. I’m not saying that because I’m transphobic or hate the issue, I am a very liberal, very supportive and very transfriendly person but THE MOVIE WAS PAINFULLY DULL AND AWFUL. Vikander SHOULD have been nominated for Best Actress considering the film mostly follows her character’s story rather than Eddie god damn Redmayne’s but oh no Eddie needed that Best Actor nomination. Vikander was absolutely amazing in this movie so we were delighted she got the recognition she deserved, even if it was the wrong award.

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Vikander WINS!! Ex Machina fans paranoid thinking this proves she does indeed pass the Turing Test.

Best Director went to Alejandro Gonzalez Innaritu for The Revenant, which is his second year running winning this award! While watching this film with it’s long tracking shots and intensely choreographed scenes you can tell Alejandro knows his shit (to put it bluntly) and is one of the best directors of our time.

Best Original Screenplay went to Tom McCarthy an Josh Singer for Spotlight an Best Adapted Screenplay went to Adam McKay and Charles Randolph for The Big Short. Two very different styles of screen writing and both deserving of the award, although we had our fingers crossed for Alex Garland and Ex Machina to take out Best Screenplay.

CUE MAD MAX FURY ROAD CREW RAMPAGING THROUGH THE DOLBY THEATRE TO CLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY THEIRS!!

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Actual photo of the Mad Max crew at the after party.

Yes Mad Max Fury Road took away the most awards for the night and also brought us the best acceptance speeches. The speeches included swear words, good old Aussie drongos shouting their faces off with excitement and an all around good time. here are the winners for Mad Max;
Mark A. Mangini and David White for Sound Editing
Chris Jenkins, Gregg Rudolph and Ben Osmo for Sound Mixing
Colin Gibson and Lisa Thompson for Production Design
Lesley Vanderwalt, Erika Wardega and Damian Martin for Makeup and Hair Styling
Jenny Beavan  for Costume Design
Margaret Sixel for Editing

As this post gets on I’d like you offer you a brief video reprieve. This was hands down the funniest skit of the evening.In a segment made to address diversity, African American actors were added into all the nominated films, I give to you Tracy Morgan in The Danish Girl…

Onto the Best Original Song category, not much can be said as they were essentially all terrible. That being said Lady Gaga’s performance was full of passion and feels so we were hoping she would take the award but alas Sam Smith won for his Bond theme “writing’s on the wall” my comments at the time were something along the lines of”just because your boring song has violins does not mean it’s Oscar worthy.” Other nominees include the dishwashing sponge attached to The Weeknd’s head and a weird song about Manta Rays.

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Lady Gaga brings the feels.

Best Cinematography went to Emmanuel Lubezki for the third consecutive year! His work on The Revenant was some of the most beautiful and immersive cinematography I have ever seen so this was an absolutely correct choice!

Best Original Score was another upset of the night going to Ennio Morricone for his work on The Hateful Eight. I think most people were expecting John Williams to have this one in the bag for Star Wars The Force Awakens and Ennio did specifically give honours to Williams in his acceptance speech because, well, the guy is a legend. We wrote down the nominees wrong and were hoping the Revenant would take this one out because the score for that film was amazing, so it was a disappointing reveal when it wasn’t even actually nominated and we felt like pretty significant bozos.

So now as we wrap up our wrap up we would like to give out our awards for the evening!

Best Presenter – Hands down Louis CK for presenting Best Documentary Short, we love Louis and him stressing how much more important this award would be to the winners considering how their films would have made them zero dollars was hilarious. Honorary mention to Tina Fey and Steve Carell.

TinaFey

Classic Lemon

Best Winner – Leo. He finally won an Oscar and yet he spent most of his time talking about Climate Change the plight of the world’s indigenous peoples. Respect the Leo.

Best Dressed – HANDS DOWN JENNY BEAVAN. She won for Best Costume Design for Mad Max and was wearing a dope leather jacket and seemed to give approximately zero fucks about the dress code.

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Jenny Beaven 100% realness, 200% boss.

Drunkest – The Australian guy who screamed “FUCKING MAD MAXXXEERSSS” when accepting his award, we aren’t sure exactly who you were but you sir are a national treasure.

Best Audience Reactions – The kid from The Room when the Star Wars robots came on stage was adorable and Kate Winslet watching Leo accept his award.

So that’s it, if you’ve made it this far in the post I would like to thank you sincerely for reading this entire spiral! We would also like to hear if you have any of your own awards from the ceremony like our list above or if you would like to start a campaign against us for criticising the use of twitter for activism please use the hashtag #CablaGooblaSoAccurateItHurts and direct all tweets to @BruceyWillis

CABLAGOOBLA OUT.

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Probably the last photo taken of Leo wearing a shirt and sober this holy night.

Review: The X-Files Revival

SPOILER WARNING – None really but if you are still watching the original series and are yet to complete the first nine seasons save yourself the risk.

Like most Xfiles fans we have been hoping, praying (if religious) and speculating on whether our favourite show would ever come back.

Tonight, it did.

And not to be hyperbolic but it was absolutely incredible from start to finish and I currently feel like I’m riding a crazy Xfiles high.

We’ve been fans of this show since it was originally on in the 90s, the ominous theme song marked our bed time but most nights we would beg to stay up and watch, and often denied under the guise of “it’s the chicken one, it’s too scary.” But when we were slightly older we watched it religiously. And again, and again, and again.

And finally, our years of patience and our tenacity and wanting to believe have paid off.

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Reunited and it feels so good!

The feel is the same as the original show, with some added tension between our favourite team Mulder and Scully, which we are hoping will be explained soon. The old mannerisms of both characters return, from the classic Mulder phone call to the unforgettable Scully sceptic face. The whole deal and I was internally screaming while texting my CablaGoobla co-writer all in caps with hundreds of emotional emojis.

They hold no punches, covering everything from 9/11, National Security, world events, big oil and of course GLOBAL ALIEN CONSPIRACIES.

We are introduced to a new character played by Joel McHale who blends in perfectly with the atmosphere of the show, and who (like all new characters) we are very suspicious of from the get go, Xfiles 101 here; Trust no-one.

Despite the episode of normal length, our hysteria and excitement made it feel like it went for approximately two minutes and both of us wanted to watch the whole episode again immediately.

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I can not stress to you how fantastic this was, just wall to wall glory from the original Xfiles team, crushing every minute and bringing the goods from the very first frame to the very last second. The final scene particularly had me in awe, shouting at the screen as the credits began to roll, but thank you Fox because we get to watch part two tomorrow. Because we need answers, 2012 has come and gone and now that you’re back we are allowed to be irrationally impatient! BECAUSE WE ARE SO EXCITED.

If you’re not an Xfiles fan… Do yourself a favour and start from the pilot, you will never look back. If you are an Xfiles fan… well all I can say is.. you will not be disappointed, it’s everything you wanted the revival to be!!

I don’t even care if this review reads like the ravings of a complete lunatic. Because my favourite all time show is back and it’s just as fucking good as it ever was.

CablaGoobla out!