movies

CablaGoobla 2016 Academy Awards Extravaganza Wrap-Up!

If you think the title of this post is long you should consider it relative to the length of the Academy Awards Ceremony, it’s no joke. Also strap yourselves in because this is going to be a big read in general.

Firstly we would like to officially lay the “Leo needs an Oscar” meme / joke to rest with a haiku eulogy in italics for emphasis;

Rest well Leo meme,
Greatness has been achieved,
Sixth time is the charm.

What a beautiful sentiment.

Now onto all the other glorious outcomes and reveals of the ceremony. We would like to format this post in the same nonsensical way the Academy Awards themselves tried to pass off their order of events; The order in which a film is made. This was of course a lie, unless now films are edited before they are directed and acted in by some kind of movie making wizardry. Let’s be honest Oscars your real order is “save the best for last” but you just don’t want to say that because everyone would complain about you valuing Best Actor above everything except Best Picture. So we have decided to throw your bullshit format out the window and reveal the winners our way. #OscarsSoBadAtFormatting

We didn’t watch the red carpet because the hosts make us blind with rage every year so the entirety of our coverage will be this one photograph.

KateandLeo

Red Carpet Highlights! Presenting the two most ridiculously good looking people alive.

Firstly our host; Chris Rock. Admittedly when we heard Chris Rock was going to host we both let out a long frustrated sigh, but he brought the goods and actually had us laughing, a rare thing to achieve at the Academy Awards. There was a lot of attention brought to the #OscarsSoWhite controversy (I really hate having to reference a hash tag it feels about as bleak as putting your drug dealer down as a character reference on your resume, it’s unreliable and you are bound to get some batshit crazy rants if you follow through and look it up). In fact most, if not all of the jokes surrounded the controversy of a lack of diversity in the nominees and this caused even more controversy as the only minority mentioned by Chris Rock was African Americans with no references to other minorities until they actual won (Thank you Alejandro). So look, if you found that confusing here’s a quick summary.

  1. 88th Academy Awards had ZERO African American Nominees
  2. Everyone starts talking about a lack of diversity in the Oscars
  3. #OscarsSoWhite becomes a thing
  4. Chris Rock makes a million (funny) jokes about African Americans being excluded from the Academy Awards.
  5. The Academy throws literally every single African American they have in their phone book into a presenting role on stage to overcompensate.
  6. The internet who started #OscarsSoWhite gets mad because other minorities are still being ignored.
  7. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu wins Best Director and makes a fantastic speech about the issue but the only coverage of this topic you will get is Chris Rock being controversial.
  8. Nothing gets achieved because as usual, “spreading awareness” was the goal of an internet campaign with no real solutions on how to bring about change.

Now the last part of the flow chart is a future prediction because we here at CablaGoobla are extremely cynical of any and all “slacktivism” and “clicktivism” movements. We genuinely hope to see more diversity next awards season and believe it is an important topic, but knowing the world we live in this will be forgotten by April when a new shiny thing to tweet about appears.

ChrisRock

A truly rare sighting of an actually entertaining host of the Oscars, for the Pokedex.

 

So we got a bit carried away there so let’s get to some God damn awards already!!

Best Picture went to Spotlight, which was an unexpected win. Even the presenter Morgan Freeman looked genuinely confused and surprised at the result. Because of his long pause after opening the envelope we came up with a conspiracy theory that Mad Max Fury Road actually won but Freeman liked Spotlight best so he just said that instead. By the time the backstage crew realised the mistake they were in too deep, the cast of Spotlight was on stage and the confetti was flying so they just gave them a free kick instead of trying to do damage control.

Spotlight.jpg

Spotlight cast & crew after winning Best Picture as decided by Morgan Freeman alone.

Best Actor went to the one the only Leonardo Dicaprio for his role in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape no sorry The Aviator, nope not that one.. Blood Diamond? no… it definitely wasn’t Wolf of Wall Street, oh yeah of course THE REVENANT. Kate Winslet cried and he got a standing ovation, sweet Leo. We’re starting a rumour that at the after party Winslet drank champagne straight from the bottle and forced Leo to re-enact the spinning dance from Titanic.

Best Actress was awarded to Brie Larson for Room. To be completely honest we are yet to see this movie… so.. we’re just going to awkwardly move on after congratulating Brie and adding that it does look like a really good movie.

Best Supporting Actor went to Mark Rylance for his fifteen minutes of screen time in Bridge of Spies. The internet was pissed that Sly Stallone didn’t win for Creed and we are bitter because we are committed to supporting Batman, I mean Christian Bale.

Best Supporting Actress went to Alicia Vikander AND RIGHTLY BLOODY SO. She was, after all, literally the only good thing about The Danish Girl. I’m not saying that because I’m transphobic or hate the issue, I am a very liberal, very supportive and very transfriendly person but THE MOVIE WAS PAINFULLY DULL AND AWFUL. Vikander SHOULD have been nominated for Best Actress considering the film mostly follows her character’s story rather than Eddie god damn Redmayne’s but oh no Eddie needed that Best Actor nomination. Vikander was absolutely amazing in this movie so we were delighted she got the recognition she deserved, even if it was the wrong award.

Vikander

Vikander WINS!! Ex Machina fans paranoid thinking this proves she does indeed pass the Turing Test.

Best Director went to Alejandro Gonzalez Innaritu for The Revenant, which is his second year running winning this award! While watching this film with it’s long tracking shots and intensely choreographed scenes you can tell Alejandro knows his shit (to put it bluntly) and is one of the best directors of our time.

Best Original Screenplay went to Tom McCarthy an Josh Singer for Spotlight an Best Adapted Screenplay went to Adam McKay and Charles Randolph for The Big Short. Two very different styles of screen writing and both deserving of the award, although we had our fingers crossed for Alex Garland and Ex Machina to take out Best Screenplay.

CUE MAD MAX FURY ROAD CREW RAMPAGING THROUGH THE DOLBY THEATRE TO CLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY THEIRS!!

madmax

Actual photo of the Mad Max crew at the after party.

Yes Mad Max Fury Road took away the most awards for the night and also brought us the best acceptance speeches. The speeches included swear words, good old Aussie drongos shouting their faces off with excitement and an all around good time. here are the winners for Mad Max;
Mark A. Mangini and David White for Sound Editing
Chris Jenkins, Gregg Rudolph and Ben Osmo for Sound Mixing
Colin Gibson and Lisa Thompson for Production Design
Lesley Vanderwalt, Erika Wardega and Damian Martin for Makeup and Hair Styling
Jenny Beavan  for Costume Design
Margaret Sixel for Editing

As this post gets on I’d like you offer you a brief video reprieve. This was hands down the funniest skit of the evening.In a segment made to address diversity, African American actors were added into all the nominated films, I give to you Tracy Morgan in The Danish Girl…

Onto the Best Original Song category, not much can be said as they were essentially all terrible. That being said Lady Gaga’s performance was full of passion and feels so we were hoping she would take the award but alas Sam Smith won for his Bond theme “writing’s on the wall” my comments at the time were something along the lines of”just because your boring song has violins does not mean it’s Oscar worthy.” Other nominees include the dishwashing sponge attached to The Weeknd’s head and a weird song about Manta Rays.

Gaga

Lady Gaga brings the feels.

Best Cinematography went to Emmanuel Lubezki for the third consecutive year! His work on The Revenant was some of the most beautiful and immersive cinematography I have ever seen so this was an absolutely correct choice!

Best Original Score was another upset of the night going to Ennio Morricone for his work on The Hateful Eight. I think most people were expecting John Williams to have this one in the bag for Star Wars The Force Awakens and Ennio did specifically give honours to Williams in his acceptance speech because, well, the guy is a legend. We wrote down the nominees wrong and were hoping the Revenant would take this one out because the score for that film was amazing, so it was a disappointing reveal when it wasn’t even actually nominated and we felt like pretty significant bozos.

So now as we wrap up our wrap up we would like to give out our awards for the evening!

Best Presenter – Hands down Louis CK for presenting Best Documentary Short, we love Louis and him stressing how much more important this award would be to the winners considering how their films would have made them zero dollars was hilarious. Honorary mention to Tina Fey and Steve Carell.

TinaFey

Classic Lemon

Best Winner – Leo. He finally won an Oscar and yet he spent most of his time talking about Climate Change the plight of the world’s indigenous peoples. Respect the Leo.

Best Dressed – HANDS DOWN JENNY BEAVAN. She won for Best Costume Design for Mad Max and was wearing a dope leather jacket and seemed to give approximately zero fucks about the dress code.

JennyBeaven

Jenny Beaven 100% realness, 200% boss.

Drunkest – The Australian guy who screamed “FUCKING MAD MAXXXEERSSS” when accepting his award, we aren’t sure exactly who you were but you sir are a national treasure.

Best Audience Reactions – The kid from The Room when the Star Wars robots came on stage was adorable and Kate Winslet watching Leo accept his award.

So that’s it, if you’ve made it this far in the post I would like to thank you sincerely for reading this entire spiral! We would also like to hear if you have any of your own awards from the ceremony like our list above or if you would like to start a campaign against us for criticising the use of twitter for activism please use the hashtag #CablaGooblaSoAccurateItHurts and direct all tweets to @BruceyWillis

CABLAGOOBLA OUT.

LeoandAlejandro

Probably the last photo taken of Leo wearing a shirt and sober this holy night.

Advertisements

Ye Be Warned Wednesday : Jupiter Ascending

If you knew anything about me you’d know that “big budget sci fi” and “Sean Bean” are two things that are guaranteed to draw me to ANY movie. A combination of the two in Jupiter Ascending just seemed too good to be true – and you know what? It was.

Jupiter Ascending is essentially a splicing together of various other SUPERIOR sci fi themes and ideas with an unnecessary love story thrown in for good measure. For me the most annoying and blazingly obvious examples of stolen intellectual property include (but are not limited to); the presence of an intergalactic beaurocracy (thank you Douglas Adams), the harvesting of humans for nefarious purposes (thank you EVERYONE) and the replica baddies, like this guy….
 

image

Spot the difference.

What they have created here with Jupiter Ascending is essentially an intergalactic fairytale between Mila Kunis (who sports various hand me downs from Queen Amidalas wardrobe for the majority of the film) and Channing “Pube Face” Tatum. Why do that?  Why take something perfectly awesome like science fiction and Disney Princess-ify it? It’s as if  the creators thought women wouldn’t be able to appreciate science fiction without a shit load of unnecessary sap laid on!  Give us a break guys!

image

Spew.

This movie looks as though it was made for the purposes of winning the most awards for special effects and costume design (which admittedly are impressive) but the story itself left a lot too be desired.
Truth be told I mentally tuned out a little way in (thanks to fairytale rage) and if it hadn’t been for the promise of the occasional appearance of Sean Bean I probably would’ve turned this off 5 minutes into the Mila toilet scrubbing montage that was the first 20 mins of the film. Really, the only reason I watched it all the way to the end was out of morbid curiosity to see whether or not Sean Bean survived.

image

Spoiler alert: he does

Maybe my expectations were just too high and maybe what i saw as being rip offs of superior ideas were just poor homage attempts (a likely story), but maybe Jupiter Ascending just plain sucked. All I know for certain is that Sean Bean definitely did not get enough screen time.

Ye be warned!!

Vice (2015) : Ye Be Warned Wednesday

“Vice” (2015) or “How Bruce Wallis Betrayed my Trust vol 1”

Before I watched “Vice” it had a concerning 4.7/10 star rating on IMDB – well below my 7 star minimum for sci fi. But I thought, surely it couldn’t be that bad – it starred Bruce Willis after all.

MISTAKE!

Turns out Willis must have owed someone a big favour, because this movie is all kinds of low budget, Bgrade rubbish and is quite easily the worst Wallis film to date. Not only does Brucie not STAR in this movie (as the tag line claims), he appears on screen for what I would say was a grand total of 5 minutes and appears to be in a trance the entire time.

Wake up little snoozy...

Wake up little snoozy…

I don’t know why Brucie did this film, and quite frankly I dont want to know. What I do know is I am genuinely peeved that he has bismirched his own good name in such a heinous way as to attach it to this truly, truly awful film.

From its synopsis “Vice” seemed to have all the ingredients for something interesting, but the makers of this film clearly have no respect for science fiction (or the laws of physics or the laws of robotics for that matter), nor did they have the funds or imagination to make something even half way decent, so it ended up just being a messy, sticky mix of many other stories. In other words – Terrible.

Vice

The Directing, story, editing, screenplay, set design, lighting, music, CGI and stunts/action are ALL TERRIBLE. Its porno quality acting from porno quality actors using porno quality dialogue. Without the porn. Combine that with the gigantic plot holes, zero internal logic and ridiculous overuse of automatic weapons and constant running as the only plot device, “Vice” makes for some all round pretty shitty viewing.

YE BE WARNED.

Do not see this movie, not even if it’s free.

Movie trailer : “Jauja”

Viggo Mortensen, who frankly does not appear on the big screen enough to satisfy us, talks to us in fancy foreign languages (Danish and Spanish – we think) through a hideous mustache in the trailer for his new artsy looking western “Jauja”

“Jauja” looks like its going to be another stunning edition to the catalogue of “Classic Viggo” – deeply gorgeous, arty and poignant while also staggeringly boring – films.  I can’t say I’m overly enthused to see this, but I will.

For Viggo.

forfrodo

Check out the trailer and let us know what you think!

The Babadook (2014)

babadook_quad_art_3-banner

Single mother Amelia (Essie Davis), plagued by the violent death of her husband, struggles with her son Samuel’s (Noah Wiseman) fear of a monster lurking in the house. A sinister presence begins to haunt the two after the mysterious arrival of a book in the youngster’s bedroom called Mr. Babadook, about a monster that lurks in the shadows. Soon Amelia seems to feel the effect of the sinister “Babadook” and tries desperately (in vain) to get rid of the book.

The_babadook

If it’s in a word. Or it’s in a look. You can’t get rid of … The Babadook”

It should be noted from the outset that The Babadook is not some silly urban legend movie, nor is it the kind of horror which is heavy on the “blood for bloods sake”. It is however a fantastic psychological horror. The plot focuses on the more human element of the tale and mostly concerns Amelia finding a way to overcome Samuel’s behavioural issues and her struggle to live normally, rather than dealing with the whole supernatural threat of The Babadook monster. Some horror fans may be turned off by the fact this movie is a psychological slow burn and the scares are not spoon fed or of the “ooogadaboogada” jump-scare-bleed variety. Its more psychological drama than supernatural horror.

The performances of the two leads are phenomenal. Although the character of Samuel is more than a little annoying at the best of times (deliberately so, I think), the tortured anxiety and fear portrayed by Noah Wiseman on screen is outstanding. Essie Davis really embraces the character of Amelia, making her fear, depression and shifting madness all visibly genuine and moving. The sadness beneath those regular troubling days that Amelia encounters and her continuous struggle with personal grief bring out the real heart of the picture.

mister-babadook

I love being pleasantly surprised by Australian film and found that “The Babadook” stayed with me long after a finished watching. It won’t be for everyone (its slow pace and lack of typical gruesome horror style blood and gore seems to have disappointed quite a lot of people on imdb) but if you like good Australian drama and don’t mind a bit of a head fuck then you will definitely enjoy “The Babadook”.

Review – Lucy (2014)

Can I first off just say that I went into this movie expecting and hoping it would be awesome, however the text I sent my sister as soon as it finished said “Biggest let down of 2014,” and here’s why.

Starring Scarlett Johansson and Morgan Freeman (yes yes good so far) this movie has a synopsis that sounds like it’s going to provide two hours of glorious sci-fi meets superhero action.

We meet Lucy in Tapei, she’s just your run of the mill twenty something party girl who gets conned into delivering a suitcase to a hotel by her friend. Surprise surprise this sketchy looking steel suitcase is full of drugs and the guy she delivers it to is a big fat sketchy drug lord. So, okay we are going well so far, still has potential to be fantastic. To avoid spoilers I will not describe HOW the rest of the movie plays out in detail…

All I will say is, Lucy accidentally absorbs a massive amount of this drug (CHP4 – a drug released in small doses by pregnant women to accelerate and aid the growth of a foetus) which enables her to use more than 10% of her brain power at a time and become basically a super human. (By the way I did some research and that whole “we only use 10% of our brain thing is actually a “laughable myth” according to neuro-scientists)

It starts off with some epic super-power ass kicking, which is what we all want to see going into a movie like this. More and more powers get added to the mix as more and more of her brain gets unlocked, including mind control and X-Ray vision. BUT it seems that the more of her brain power she unlocks  – the shitter this movie gets.

This movie has the WORST most unoriginal, unthreatening and useless bad guys I have ever seen. It also seems like the writers just had the idea for the brain power aspect, scribbled that down and when asked to explain what else happens for two hours they just panicked and ad libbed the rest of the plot in their pitch meeting while hoping nobody noticed they shit their pants.

Also I don’t know if it’s the director or Scar-Jo’s fault but she has the same facial expression the whole time and it is EXACTLY like Abed from Community’s expression (see picture below).

Lucy Abed

For a movie that had SO MUCH potential to provide a really interesting and intellectual super hero thrill ride it fell well short of the mark. It reminds me of those cat videos, where a kitten is all ready, butt wiggling to jump from the couch to the table, it pumps itself up so much,but when it comes time to jump it falls face first into the cold, bitter and disappointing ground. You feel sorry for it at first but then realise that it was just a very poorly thought out plan. That is this movie.

All in all, if you want to see an ass kicking female lead character with super human abilities, go watch Hanna instead, it’s much better. Much, much better.

1.5 Stars.

Let’s Be Cops (2014)

Lets be cops

A couple of life long friends dress as police officers for a costume party and, giddy with the attention the uniforms bring, find themselves taking a grow up game of ‘cops and robbers’ to a whole new level when some serious shenanigans ensue in this predictably painful mistaken identity cross buddy cop comedy.

It goes without saying that I was reluctant to see this (buddy cops staring Damon Wayans? Ugh really? Do I have to?) so went into it with relatively low expectations and, as predicted, I found “Let’s be Cops” to be only halfway watchable.  Its pretty standard mainstream Hollywood comedy;  its predictable, ridiculous and mindless. All the usual stuff is there and there’s nothing really original about this movie.

I think the following screen grab sums up my feelings about it pretty accurately.

letsbecopsspewface

Uuuggghhhh

My advice, if for some reason you do decide to see this movie, is – try not to over think it or take it too seriously, you’ll have to push through the occasional (*read ‘frequent’) cringe worthy moments, college style humour (complete with sexploitation of women, nudity, drug & alcohol use & homophobia) and an inexplicable amount of Damon Wayans dancing .  It should be said that ‘Let’s Be Cops’ did keep me mildly entertained for the brief period of my sleep deprived life it consumed.  What I do know is though, that I won’t be watching it again. Not ever.

In a word: Humourcide.