Film Review

Review: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

I went into Dayman v Nightman: Dawn of the Troll Toll (see video below) with exceedingly low expectations, which is a strategy that has been working well for me lately. I was hoping for the best but expecting the worst (are they gonna drop the bomb on us) and secretly wanted this movie to blow my god damn socks off. It did not, but it was a lot of fun to watch. I invite you now on my journey through BvS:DoJ, let’s start with a trailer that is superior to the real actual trailer in every respect to get everyone in the mood….

Things kick off with this movie chronologically right after Man of Steel (2013) which gave us an excellent take on the origin story of Superman. If you haven’t seen it basically Superman destroys half of Metropolis while facing off against General Zod (a fellow Kyptonian who is a real piece of work). And by “destroys half of Metropolis” I mean they really mess that city up, like, how did Metropolis even recover? And Bruce Wayne happened to be in town to witness all of it.

zod wayne tower

Woopsie!

That was Wayne tower being completely obliterated by the way. So, Superman has just rolled into town unannounced and unknown and been involved in an insane amount of violence and death. Naturally Batman is not into this and the citizens of the country are also concerned which is where BvS begins, things have started off okay!

Enter Lex Luthor CEO of LexCorp. Words cannot express how much I hate Jesse Eisenberg as Luthor, it was frustrating to watch him neurotically mumble his way through this character who is supposed to be utterly terrifying. He sucks. Lex is trying to be the architect of the greatest battle of all time, Batman v Superman and although his plan starts with a lot of good ideas it deteriorates so quickly. Much like the film. As far as evil geniuses go he had a plan and it was a decent plan but it wasn’t diabolical or that clever.

lex.jpg

Lex Luthor lacking any semblance of villain worthy intimidation.

What started as a deep and thoughtful exploration into the resentment Batman and Superman hold for each other quickly spirals into a nonsensical farce with plot developments so weak it hurts. Maybe if Lex wasn’t so terrible it could have been saved? No that’s not it because anyone who has seen this film with their own eyes and witnessed the “Martha” fiasco knows this script was not exactly great material to work with.

I genuinely feel bad for Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill who both do a very good job in this film. Especially after seeing how sad Ben Affleck has been lately (see video below) because the fact the movie misses the mark has nothing to do with them!

Between the completely unnecessary flashbacks to the death of Bruce Wayne’s parents every five seconds and the overload of set ups for the upcoming Justice League films there really isn’t any substance to this script. It jumps from idea to idea as frantically as a small child trying to explain an exciting action sequence in a movie. “And then superman did this and batman did this and oh by the way all this happened ages ago which is important then omg lex luthor was doing something and then OH MY GOD THEN WONDER WOMAN CAME oh and there are all these other heroes but I don’t have time to explain..”

wonder woman

She’s a wonder.

Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, now I had set the bar about as low as it could go, I had buried the bar of hope in the back garden of my mind palace because I love Wonder Woman. Her arrival on the scene was hands down the best part of the movie for me and she pulls out some serious bad-assery in her brief time on screen. I’ll admit I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this Wonder Woman! She’s absolutely nothing like the Diana Prince I grew up watching in the glorious Wonder Woman show but she kicks a lot of ass and gets shit done. She shows up just when you’re about to give up on the whole thing and somewhat redeems the movie, but it’s not enough.

All in all this movie was essentially a powerpoint presentation. There wasn’t any real story but a whole lot of flashy and admittedly amazing visual stimuli with a ripping score by Hans Zimmer (I am biased here because Zimmer is king in my books). That being said a lot of superhero movies do follow this format. I see people comparing this to The Avengers which I honestly hated a whole lot more. I think a lot of people will read that and get straight to their hate stations but honestly guys the Avengers sucked, Age of Ultron sucked and Batman v Superman was sucky but not entirely shit. Both movies are great examples of more style than substance but at least BvS has likeable characters.

It was awesome to see Batman and Superman beating the living shit out of each other and it was even more awesome to see Wonder Woman lasso the fuck out of Doomsday. If you go into this movie with the same attitude as any action movie you’re going to have a good time. Comparing this to the Dark Knight trilogy is a waste of time and energy, those movies were fantastic and brilliantly written and it is sad that it doesn’t live up to that but it’s not necessary to slam hyperbole everywhere saying THIS WAS THE WORST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN EVEN DAREDEVIL WAS BETTER THAN THIS (I’m looking at you Rotten Tomatoes).

bvs sad

Affleck being comforted by a small girl.

I just think fans of Superhero stories in general (myself included I love this genre in every format) act like spoiled brats when things don’t go their way. Fans of the DC franchise have been building up hype for this movie in a shark like feeding frenzy for months on end and when they finally saw the film and it wasn’t as perfect as they imagined it to be they took up their pitchforks and called for the heads of everyone involved. Except Affleck, everyone seems to love Affleck.

So everyone just needs to calm down. Just because you love something doesn’t mean it belongs to you exclusively, just because you’ve read all the comics or own a batman costume or think you know more than the average Joe when it comes to these characters, it doesn’t mean you could make a better movie or get to decide “oh it’s terrible it’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen and I feel personally attacked by Warner Brothers for RUINING MY ENTIRE LIFE.”

I will be watching this movie again, probably a few times and I will be complaining about certain things when I talk about it but I don’t feel like I need to burn down Warner Brothers because they didn’t perfectly create what I wanted.

In summary this was disappointing, but if you’re a fan of the genre go see it with your own eyes before you jump on the hate train. It’s a good enough movie, a solid 2.5 hours of fun superhero antics that isn’t completely terrible. Will it be held in high regard among Batman fans? not compared to the Nolan movies. Superman fans? Maybe but they are upset that Supes didn’t get as much character development as Batman. Justice League fans? it sets things up for the upcoming Justice League films yes but it’s a pretty rushed example of team work at the end.

bvs gang

Squad Goals

 

Spy vs Spy

In the past month we have witnessed the release of two of the years big blockbusters; Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation and Spectre (007). But, which movie is better? If (unlike me) your time is precious (I have nothing but time) and don’t want to waste it on the terrible spy movie instead of the good spy movie this is the review for you.

Unfortunately, I did not expect both of these movies to be as bleak as they were… Yeah if I were you I honestly would not bother with either and here’s why…

We begin on the ground floor, our heroes. Let’s be straight here Bond IS the epitome of a spy, he’s a suave bastard who never misses a shot, always has a quality innuendo riddled zinger, has charm and at all times a part of you really hates him. All qualities we admire. Ethan Hunt on the other hand (played by Tom Cruise) is played by Tom Cruise and has absolutely nothing going for him. Bond wins this round.

Spectre03

You’re god damn right I do.

The Plots. So for some reason the writers of Spectre have ignored the fact that (as mentioned above) Bond is the epitome of spy and will ALWAYS hold that title. They have decided to try extremely hard to make Bond “more relevant” as a character in the modern age, more on that later. The story follows Bond hunt down an organisation named “Spectre” without the permission of M or MI6. He has only the help of a mysterious woman, Miss Moneypenny (future agent) and Q (the tech nerd).

MI: Rogue Nation, as the title suggests also follows our hero going rogue with his small team consisting of… wait.. a mysterious woman, ex-agent Luther (who you may remember from the first one) and his tech nerd  as they hunt down the global organisation of terrorists; The Syndicate.

So I think because the plots in essence are exactly the same, we will call this round a draw.

MI02.jpg

Are you implying that you aim with your vagina?

The baddies. Ah the bad guys, a key element in a good spy thriller! As I mentioned eariler both films have an evil conglomerate of terror running down to clock to total global domination, but who is at the helm?

Spectre offers up Blofeld played by Christoph Waltz, Waltz is a bad guy BONANZA. I would go so far as to say he has almost reached Alan Rickman level bad guy status. BUT, there is a huge but here, he is in the film for approximate fifteen minutes in total. When you’ve got an actor with the ability to create an aura of absolute nightmares (see Inglorious Basterds) you really should use him to the best of his ability instead of throwing him in only when it’s time to drop some “big reveals.” Not to mention the writing for Waltz was absolutely bleak, there was no finesse or charm amongst his banter with Bond, instead of draping him with the sleek silk dressing gown of evil language the just threw a heshen bag on and said “meh who needs good material when you got Waltz!”

Spectre02

Oh Christoph, where for art thou?

MI Rogue Nation went with Soloman Lane played by Sean Harris (24 Hour Party People and AN IMPRESSIVE resume of English Crime shows). Now this was a bad guy I could get behind, total sociopath with schemes so elaborate and evil you just can’t help but respect the guy, plus he is always one step ahead of our (infuriating) hero. The writing again is pretty awful but at least he is actually in the movie a decent amount.

I have to call this a tie, it goes against my fundamental nature to rule against Waltz despite the shitshow and the writing for Harris was just as awful he simply got more screen time.

The action, there were many times during Spectre I just decided to go and have a cigarette or scroll through Reddit, it was DULL. The action was good but so so so below the absurd glory the Bond films usually bring. Rogue Nation had some quality face punching but won the day for the me with an extensive knife fight. A knife fight is always going to be thrilling, much more unpredictable than a shoot out, more intimate, tenser and especially glorious when those involved fight dirty. I am giving this one to Mission Impossible.

MI03

WANTED: Action hero, helmet and charisma optional.

Back to the subject of relevance. The people involved with Bond need to understand that people love the character because he is exactly the way he is. Spectre explores the theme that maybe the 007 program isn’t particularly relevant in the modern world and this feels as if they are testing the waters to see if people in real life feel this way about Bond the character. I think they have greatly underestimated cinema goers here! At a time where (in real life) terror seems to be at the front of the news and there is an actual real life organisation undertaking the exact type of plots Bond used to fight, you don’t really need to be questioning the relevance of a secret agent who is capable of bringing down the most evil of organisations single handedly. Bond thrived during the cold war yes, when the threat of complete and total global destruction was fresh in the mind of the “everyman” and just because the world isn’t on the brink of total nuclear was does not mean people don’t need a hero who can drink a martini then punch the crap out of out someone before speeding off in a silver astin martin. If we went with “relevance” our spy hero would be some schmuck sitting at a tracksuit going through the emails or flying a drone from a garden shed, nobody wants that shit. You don’t go watch a Bond film to see real life, you go watch a Bond film to see a larger than life caricature of what we all imagine to be a spy, a person who can protect the world, win a card game and be in bed with a beautiful woman before dinner because the reality sucks and the reality is spies are actually boring and probably not the heroes we need or want them to be. end rant.

So it was disappointment all round and I refuse to declare a winner. Go see what you want I really don’t think I hold that much influence over your decisions, I’ll leave that to the professionals. *disappears into the shadows*

SIMPLE SPIES

The first image that came up when I googled “spy.”

Ye Be Warned Wednesday: Pixels (2015)

This movie took a perfectly awesome premise (aliens attack earth with 1980s video game villains) and turned it into one of the most bogus things I have ever seen.

Now, I knew it was very risky territory going, the movie stars Kevin James and Adam Sandler who I am no fan of, in fact I actively avoid movies that either (or both) of them are in. But when I saw the trailer for Pixels I thought “hmm how could they fuck up a plot that seems to be really fun and action packed?” the answer, my friends, was IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE WAY.

The first of many instances I wish Sandler's character would die.

The first of many instances I wish Sandler’s                                 character would die.

This “action comedy” takes 45 minutes (yes I checked) to get to the action and as far as I can tell the comedy element was non existent. I laugh at some really dumb things, the other day I was at the park and I saw some kid eat shit on his bike  (he was fine by the way) and I chuckled to myself. Those five seconds of watching a kid fall off his bike were more entertaining to me than Pixels.

The comedy is low brow, big, scream in your face type comedy, which when done well can be hilarious (I’m looking at you Ace Ventura, hell even Adam Sandler’s 90s movies) but instead of uttering a SINGLE scoff laugh I just found myself cringing the whole way through.

Adam Sandler plays Adam Sandler (as usual) and Kevin James plays the President of the United States. But that’s not the bleak part, there are some actually AMAZING actors in this who utter less than ten lines (Sean Bean & Jane Krakowsi) which drove me absolutely nuts. Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones) plays a mullet-rocking, arcade champion / convicted felon who says lines so cheesy it made me want to just hug Dinklage and say “it’s okay mate, we’ve all made mistakes.”

The Dream Team (if you are a middle aged crystal meth addict having a hard come down)

The Dream Team (if you are a middle aged crystal         meth addict having a hard come down)

The special effects are incredible, but don’t get excited there is only about half an hour of “exciting” action, I use the word exciting very very loosely here because in no way was I anywhere near the edge of my seat, in fact I was essentially laying down the entire movie and trying to decide if my time would be better spent having a hobo nap.

The scene from the trailer / poster that everyone seemed excited about starred Pacman, arguably the most iconic and famous of all arcade characters (slightly behind Donkey Kong & Mario of course). This whole section of the movie, fucking sucked. Imagine a giant game of Pacman on the streets of New York city, now imagine someone taking that AWESOME idea and spending 80% of the scene on Adam Sanders face and terrible one liners, it was a huge betrayal.

My face when I realised Sean Bean was in this, then again when they only used him for ten minutes of screen time.

My face when I realised Sean Bean was in this, then again when they only used him for ten                            minutes of screen time.

In summary: this movie was a complete piece of shit, I regret wasting my time (almost 2 hours of it) and literally asked myself “Jesus Christ what are you doing with your life?” while I was watching it. It was so bleak I contemplated my very existence and felt horribly guilty that I ever thought watching it was a good idea.

Things I would rather do than watch this movie again:
1. Go to the dentist
2. Kick my toe twenty five times
3. Drink olive oil
4. Get salmonella

Ye have been warned.

I’m refusing to add the trailer because I don’t want any of you to be deceived like I was.

Review: Avengers Age of Ultron (2015)

Ah yes, the Avengers – The “Super-Group” of heroes that is nowhere near as awesome as the X-Men and would 100% lose in a fight against Suicide Squad (that’s right I went there). As I am sure you all recall the first Avengers was a bleak slideshow of awfulness that went on way too long and had far too much Iron Man (who I hate with the passion of a thousand suns).

Well this team of bozos returned earlier this year in “Age of Ultron” a story of a determined and genius Artificial Intelligence created to bring peace on Earth. Despite creating this perfect robot capable of wonderful things The Avengers swear to destroy Ultron by the end of the film.

Poor Ultron, I mean really when you create an A.I whose sole purpose is to save the human race from an impending alien invasion you would THINK you would lay down some specific ground rules, for example Asimov’s laws of robotics, but no stupid Tony Stark (Iron Man / Robert Clowny Jnr) just failed and because of his failure Ultron is the “bad guy” when really he is the only good character in this film.

The cast of the Avengers looking at their pay cheques.

       “We’ve all made a huge mistake.”

I really hate the Avengers, so I am going to give you a character by character run down of why this movie was AWFUL before I get into the actual story, you might want to put on some protective gear because you are about to witness the DEEP BURN of rage.

Iron Man: I thought I would kick this off with the most annoying, least charismatic, most infuriating character. Iron Man was never taught to speak properly, every line that comes out of his smug mouth is mumbled to the point I had to turn my TV up to volume 40 just to hear him (11 is normal volume). I instantly regretted bothering because he also talks so god damn fast it just meant all I could hear was “mmmmmummmble” at maximum volume. Between his mumbling and failure to specify ONE SINGLE RULE for his AI to live by I found myself praying for his death ten minutes into the movie.

Captain America: Credit where credit is due Captain America does have some pretty sweet moves with that crazy shield of his during the fight scenes, and I appreciate that. What I didn’t appreciate was how lame this guy is. Yes we know you come from a “different time” and you didn’t choose to have superpowers / were experimented on but come on buddy, you really need to learn that it’s okay to swear when you are fighting an army of robots. Captain America is the superhero equivalent of that racist grandpa you have who gets away with everything because he’s “from a different time.”

"Lord forgive me, I hate myself".

“Lord forgive me, I hate myself”.

The Hulk: Casting Mark Ruffalo to play the Hulk would have to go on my top ten “What the fuckitty fuck were you thinking list.” The Hulk is an emotional guy, yes I know he resents his superpower of being able to turn into a giant green killing machine that can’t tell right from wrong (which in itself is annoying, I wish I could do that when I got angry). Mark “walking rom-com teddy bear” Ruffalo has too many feels. The only feels I want to see from the hulk is violent rage, and what’s up with the romance between him an black widow – BLEAK. The Hulk does punch in the face of Iron Man in one of the highlight fight scenes of the movie  though so I have to give him a few points for that one.

Black Widow: Oh Scarlett “how the might have fallen” Johanssen. You can just tell she regrets the life decision of signing on to do these movies in every single scene. Between the dead pan expression and monotone voice there really isn’t much to say about her character. The crazy thing is, she is an actually a good actress, everyone who saw “Her” is aware that her voice can indeed be used in many emotional ways but I think giving absolutely zero fucks about this film kind of takes the need for emotion away.

ScarJo starring as her current career all time low.

ScarJo starring as her current career all time low.

Thor: Thor is the only good thing about the Avengers, but he too is afflicted with THE MUMBLES. Every time this guy spoke I would sternly shout “SPEAK UP AN ENUNCIATE YOUR WORDS THOR” the Australian accent really does not help by lowering his voice about a thousand octaves (I’m Australian so this shouldn’t be an issue). That being said Thor’s zingers were the only ones that made me laugh and he does some pretty sick moves with THE HAMMER OF THOR. He is an actual superhero so he has my respect, even if I had to be his grandma the whole time telling him to “SPEAK UP LOVE.”

Hawkeye: This fucking guy. Hawkeye has ZERO superpowers, his “thing” is that he is good with a bow and arrow and he loves to complain about the fact he doesn’t have cool powers like the other ones. STOP REMINDING US YOU SUCK HAWKEYE, WE ARE FULLY AWARE THAT YOU SUCK. “wah I want to retire to go live with my pregnant wife in peace, but wah the Avengers need me too much” – NEWSFLASH they don’t. Get out of my life.

So having covered how much the protagonists suck I would like to point out how much the antagonist Ultron kicks ass.

Ultron: Voiced by James Spader Ultron is by far the best thing about this movie. An artificial intelligence with a glorious robot body, an army of drone robot slaves and the power to realise the reason the human race is going to die if aliens invade is because the human race is too busy killing each other to get their shit together to unite. This guy knows what’s up but he is foiled at every turn by the god damn shitty avengers!!!

All hail Ultron!

                        All hail Ultron!

So now you know the lay of the land, the main story of this movie is “will the Avengers kill the one thing this movie has going for it and save the human race from a fate they (let’s be real) probably deserve?” Well…

Joss Whedon (creator of Buffy) is responsible for this absolute monstrosity of a film, I don’t know what went wrong. Part of the charm of Buffy was the hilarious and over the top zingers but in this film the characters aren’t appealing enough to get away with them and they are so over used it just becomes cringe worthy. Please Whedon, see the error of your ways and return to your former glory, for the good of the industry.

In summary, this movie sucked, I hate everyone in it except the robots, robots rule, death to the Avengers.

Here’s the trailer:

Review: Ex Machina (2015)

Wow.

Just need to start with that one, having just finished the movie I am still in open mouthed awe. Ex Machina was the breath of fresh air Science Fiction needed this year after a string of batshit horrible movies.

Written and Directed by Alex Garland (writer of 28 Days Later and The Beach) the film has one location, four characters, a lot of dialogue, a fantastic original soundtrack and some outstanding acting from its female lead Alicia Vikander.

A young computer programmer named Caleb (Domhnall Gleeson) is selected  to take part in a revolutionary Artificial Intelligence experiment being undertaken by his boss Nathan (Oscar Isaac) who happened to invent the worlds number one search engine. Flown to a mysterious, isolated and beautiful location he is introduced to the AI named Ava (Alicia Vikander) and for the sake of all of you I will not go on with the plot, it’s a journey you need to take for yourself.

Two guys who thankfully are not Channing Tatum

Two guys who thankfully are not Channing Tatum

This isn’t a laser filled, action packed, fist pumping SciFi, it’s psychological, confronting, shocking and keeps you guessing the whole way through. If you have seen the writer / directors other films (especially 28 Days later) expect that vibe. A slow yet edge of your seat thriller where you never quite know what’s going on or where it’s going to lead you with a small cast of brilliant actors.

The character of Ava is (typically) a gorgeous female robot but this isn’t all “weird science” thankfully, she has a lot of depth, a quick wit and takes you on quite the journey!

This movie left me staring at the end credits rolling, listening to the beautifully composed music and literally saying out loud “it’s been a while since I’ve seen a film like this,” the kind of film that doesn’t try and blow your mind with bells and whistles or crazy unexplained bullshit but taps you on the shoulder every once in a while and smirks at your big dumb face while you slowly begin to piece things together.

Machina 03If you like a thriller that doesn’t treat you like a complete dumbass this is going to be right up your alley. It’s a slow paced, well thought out dramatic scifi / psychological thriller which is TECHNICALLY (cinematography, editing, music, directing etc) superb.

I do have a few thought bubbles, but they relate heavily to the plot so I will return to that in a separate post a little ways down the road so I don’t ruin the movie for you, because let’s face it, those reviews with sneaky spoilers are a real pain in the ass.

Go see it for yourself, or don’t, you know, who am I to put thoughts in your head….

Here’s the trailer!

Review: Kidnapping Mr Heineken (2015)

Alfred “Freddy” Heineken, I personally owe you a lot considering your beer is one of my favourites, so natural I was delighted to see there was a movie about you! Turns out, Freddy was kidnapped by a bunch of bozos in Amsterdam and had the highest ransom in history paid for his return; this movie is based on the true story of that kidnapping (obviously).

Let’s start with the elephant in the room, the acting… Anthony Hopkins is up to his usual standard of brilliance in the role of Heineken, who it seems was a complete smart ass / hard bastard throughout the entire kidnapping process. The gang of “down on their luck” career criminal bozos are Sam Worthington (that pretty Australian guy), Jim Sturgess (the main dude from Across the Universe), Ryan Kwanten (Jason from True Blood), Mark Van Euewen (not a guy I recognised from anything) and Thomas Cocquerel (ABC dramas).

Pew, Pew, Pew

                   Pew, Pew, Pew

The gang of bozos are… well.. decent. There was an issue where I wasn’t sure if the Australian actors were playing Australian characters or if the director just said “don’t even try to do an accent.” Kwanten slips between British and Australian accents for the entire movie though and it is extremely annoying. Generally the criminals hold their own with their acting throughout the movie especially considering not a single one of them is a likeable character.

TO THE PLOT. These guys are small time criminals, they decide that they are going to kidnap the richest man in Amsterdam and get paid a huuuge ransom (biggest one in history), get away with it and live happily ever after. They were very smart about it, I have to give you that! The way they go about the kidnapping is clever and surprising, but once they have Heineken things get pretty stagnant for a long time. DULLSVILLE.

"I'm tired from carrying this movie"

“I’m tired from carrying this movie”

The only redeeming scenes in the middle of this movie were the few short moments we saw Hopkins, he absolutely crushes it and carries this film solo for about an hour. Towards the end things pick up a bit more and we get to see some more well thought out, clever crime but there is also a very strong moral message which is thrown in your face over and over, subtlety is not even considered. And I can’t stress this enough, NONE of the criminals are guys you will want to succeed, there was one guy I liked for a while but then I realised that was just because he barely spoke..

If you like watching a clever crime unfold, give this a whirl. It’s reasonably entertaining has a few twists and turns and Hopkins as Heineken will give you quite a few lols, such a smart ass. It isn’t some huge blockbuster heist movie though and is a bit of a slow burn, which usually I like. The only reason I am down on this movie is because I just did not like the main characters, so I didn’t invest that much emotion.

Kidnapping Mr Heineken – “Meh, it was okay”

Here’s the trailer!

Review: Fast and the Furious 7

So, I wasn’t going to see this movie but considering it has smashed many box office records (including the fastest film to make $1 Billion (yes BILLION) dollars) I thought I should check it out. Plus who doesn’t love a few ridiculous action sequences every now and then.

This movie was RIDONKULOUS. I have never seen such blatant defiance of the laws of physics in my entire life. There are multiple instances of cars flying through the air from great heights (I’m talking out of a plane, out of a building and more), people flying through the air, basically anything that should not be flying through the air does so in this movie. It is relentless and utterly hilarious! I don’t even necessarily mean that in a bad way, it was so over the top that I just laughed and laughed, this movie brought me great joy. It was one of the dumbest things I have ever seen, yet I found myself thoroughly enjoying it, which is…. embarrassing to say the least.

So the plot is pretty thin here, all you need to know is there is a bad guy (Jason Statham) who is after “The Crew.” The Crew is Vin Diesel, Paul Walker (RIP), Michelle Rodriguez as it has been since the very beginning a zillion movies ago. But there is also Ludacris, The Rock and Tyrese Gibson who have been added over the last few years. There’s a whole lot of man muscles, testosterone, douche-baggery and arrogance here, which I am not going to go into that much. Also crucial, Jordana Brewster plays Paul Walkers wife and they have a kid now in the movies… I know right? There’s a lot on the line.

Classic Dwayne

                     Classic Dwayne

You don’t see these movies for the poetry, you see it because you want to zone out, not think about life, watch really dumb shit happen, carnage and just stop being so uptight. I find action movies are an incredible way to not care about anything for the whole time they are on. BUT if you don’t share this weird thing with me or hate action movies, do not waste your time, because it will leave you absolutely furious and / or disgusted.

Cinematography has some quality action technique but mostly looks like a music video from the early 2000s. The script is 100% terrible, dialogue between explosions is short and very to the point, mostly consisting of tough guy one liners and bad jokes, that is right up until the last ten minutes when things get way too real and very sweet.

As everybody knows Paul Walker died shortly after filming, and thankfully rather than some obscene over the top insanity, the film gave him a touching tribute. A tribute which I admit, took me by surprise and was very well done. It made me feel way more than it should have, as it did many people (twitter is full of people crying about the ending just FYI).

ALL IN ALL this movie was entertaining, I ate my popcorn, laughed at the obscenity and just chilled out for two hours, it wasn’t the best movie I’ve ever seen, it’s pretty low on the score card but I still enjoyed it enough to maybe secretly want to watch it again, for the lols of course….

Pipe fight.

                              Pipe fight.

Highlights include:
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson doing his signature infamous wrestling move on a bad guy.
A drone… yes.. drone shooting the shit out of everything.
Anything VIn Diesel says being extremely difficult to understand on account of the bass in his voice box being turned up to maximum.
Shameless product placement.
Shameless close ups of boobs and booties.
The gang go to Dubai and rack up an impressive amount of property damage.
Street fights.

Fast & the Furious 7 is in theatres now and making an absolute shit tonne of money.