Ah yes, the Avengers – The “Super-Group” of heroes that is nowhere near as awesome as the X-Men and would 100% lose in a fight against Suicide Squad (that’s right I went there). As I am sure you all recall the first Avengers was a bleak slideshow of awfulness that went on way too long and had far too much Iron Man (who I hate with the passion of a thousand suns).
Well this team of bozos returned earlier this year in “Age of Ultron” a story of a determined and genius Artificial Intelligence created to bring peace on Earth. Despite creating this perfect robot capable of wonderful things The Avengers swear to destroy Ultron by the end of the film.
Poor Ultron, I mean really when you create an A.I whose sole purpose is to save the human race from an impending alien invasion you would THINK you would lay down some specific ground rules, for example Asimov’s laws of robotics, but no stupid Tony Stark (Iron Man / Robert Clowny Jnr) just failed and because of his failure Ultron is the “bad guy” when really he is the only good character in this film.
I really hate the Avengers, so I am going to give you a character by character run down of why this movie was AWFUL before I get into the actual story, you might want to put on some protective gear because you are about to witness the DEEP BURN of rage.
Iron Man: I thought I would kick this off with the most annoying, least charismatic, most infuriating character. Iron Man was never taught to speak properly, every line that comes out of his smug mouth is mumbled to the point I had to turn my TV up to volume 40 just to hear him (11 is normal volume). I instantly regretted bothering because he also talks so god damn fast it just meant all I could hear was “mmmmmummmble” at maximum volume. Between his mumbling and failure to specify ONE SINGLE RULE for his AI to live by I found myself praying for his death ten minutes into the movie.
Captain America: Credit where credit is due Captain America does have some pretty sweet moves with that crazy shield of his during the fight scenes, and I appreciate that. What I didn’t appreciate was how lame this guy is. Yes we know you come from a “different time” and you didn’t choose to have superpowers / were experimented on but come on buddy, you really need to learn that it’s okay to swear when you are fighting an army of robots. Captain America is the superhero equivalent of that racist grandpa you have who gets away with everything because he’s “from a different time.”
The Hulk: Casting Mark Ruffalo to play the Hulk would have to go on my top ten “What the fuckitty fuck were you thinking list.” The Hulk is an emotional guy, yes I know he resents his superpower of being able to turn into a giant green killing machine that can’t tell right from wrong (which in itself is annoying, I wish I could do that when I got angry). Mark “walking rom-com teddy bear” Ruffalo has too many feels. The only feels I want to see from the hulk is violent rage, and what’s up with the romance between him an black widow – BLEAK. The Hulk does punch in the face of Iron Man in one of the highlight fight scenes of the movie though so I have to give him a few points for that one.
Black Widow: Oh Scarlett “how the might have fallen” Johanssen. You can just tell she regrets the life decision of signing on to do these movies in every single scene. Between the dead pan expression and monotone voice there really isn’t much to say about her character. The crazy thing is, she is an actually a good actress, everyone who saw “Her” is aware that her voice can indeed be used in many emotional ways but I think giving absolutely zero fucks about this film kind of takes the need for emotion away.
Thor: Thor is the only good thing about the Avengers, but he too is afflicted with THE MUMBLES. Every time this guy spoke I would sternly shout “SPEAK UP AN ENUNCIATE YOUR WORDS THOR” the Australian accent really does not help by lowering his voice about a thousand octaves (I’m Australian so this shouldn’t be an issue). That being said Thor’s zingers were the only ones that made me laugh and he does some pretty sick moves with THE HAMMER OF THOR. He is an actual superhero so he has my respect, even if I had to be his grandma the whole time telling him to “SPEAK UP LOVE.”
Hawkeye: This fucking guy. Hawkeye has ZERO superpowers, his “thing” is that he is good with a bow and arrow and he loves to complain about the fact he doesn’t have cool powers like the other ones. STOP REMINDING US YOU SUCK HAWKEYE, WE ARE FULLY AWARE THAT YOU SUCK. “wah I want to retire to go live with my pregnant wife in peace, but wah the Avengers need me too much” – NEWSFLASH they don’t. Get out of my life.
So having covered how much the protagonists suck I would like to point out how much the antagonist Ultron kicks ass.
Ultron: Voiced by James Spader Ultron is by far the best thing about this movie. An artificial intelligence with a glorious robot body, an army of drone robot slaves and the power to realise the reason the human race is going to die if aliens invade is because the human race is too busy killing each other to get their shit together to unite. This guy knows what’s up but he is foiled at every turn by the god damn shitty avengers!!!
So now you know the lay of the land, the main story of this movie is “will the Avengers kill the one thing this movie has going for it and save the human race from a fate they (let’s be real) probably deserve?” Well…
Joss Whedon (creator of Buffy) is responsible for this absolute monstrosity of a film, I don’t know what went wrong. Part of the charm of Buffy was the hilarious and over the top zingers but in this film the characters aren’t appealing enough to get away with them and they are so over used it just becomes cringe worthy. Please Whedon, see the error of your ways and return to your former glory, for the good of the industry.
In summary, this movie sucked, I hate everyone in it except the robots, robots rule, death to the Avengers.
Here’s the trailer: