Month: September 2015

Review: Avengers Age of Ultron (2015)

Ah yes, the Avengers – The “Super-Group” of heroes that is nowhere near as awesome as the X-Men and would 100% lose in a fight against Suicide Squad (that’s right I went there). As I am sure you all recall the first Avengers was a bleak slideshow of awfulness that went on way too long and had far too much Iron Man (who I hate with the passion of a thousand suns).

Well this team of bozos returned earlier this year in “Age of Ultron” a story of a determined and genius Artificial Intelligence created to bring peace on Earth. Despite creating this perfect robot capable of wonderful things The Avengers swear to destroy Ultron by the end of the film.

Poor Ultron, I mean really when you create an A.I whose sole purpose is to save the human race from an impending alien invasion you would THINK you would lay down some specific ground rules, for example Asimov’s laws of robotics, but no stupid Tony Stark (Iron Man / Robert Clowny Jnr) just failed and because of his failure Ultron is the “bad guy” when really he is the only good character in this film.

The cast of the Avengers looking at their pay cheques.

       “We’ve all made a huge mistake.”

I really hate the Avengers, so I am going to give you a character by character run down of why this movie was AWFUL before I get into the actual story, you might want to put on some protective gear because you are about to witness the DEEP BURN of rage.

Iron Man: I thought I would kick this off with the most annoying, least charismatic, most infuriating character. Iron Man was never taught to speak properly, every line that comes out of his smug mouth is mumbled to the point I had to turn my TV up to volume 40 just to hear him (11 is normal volume). I instantly regretted bothering because he also talks so god damn fast it just meant all I could hear was “mmmmmummmble” at maximum volume. Between his mumbling and failure to specify ONE SINGLE RULE for his AI to live by I found myself praying for his death ten minutes into the movie.

Captain America: Credit where credit is due Captain America does have some pretty sweet moves with that crazy shield of his during the fight scenes, and I appreciate that. What I didn’t appreciate was how lame this guy is. Yes we know you come from a “different time” and you didn’t choose to have superpowers / were experimented on but come on buddy, you really need to learn that it’s okay to swear when you are fighting an army of robots. Captain America is the superhero equivalent of that racist grandpa you have who gets away with everything because he’s “from a different time.”

"Lord forgive me, I hate myself".

“Lord forgive me, I hate myself”.

The Hulk: Casting Mark Ruffalo to play the Hulk would have to go on my top ten “What the fuckitty fuck were you thinking list.” The Hulk is an emotional guy, yes I know he resents his superpower of being able to turn into a giant green killing machine that can’t tell right from wrong (which in itself is annoying, I wish I could do that when I got angry). Mark “walking rom-com teddy bear” Ruffalo has too many feels. The only feels I want to see from the hulk is violent rage, and what’s up with the romance between him an black widow – BLEAK. The Hulk does punch in the face of Iron Man in one of the highlight fight scenes of the movie  though so I have to give him a few points for that one.

Black Widow: Oh Scarlett “how the might have fallen” Johanssen. You can just tell she regrets the life decision of signing on to do these movies in every single scene. Between the dead pan expression and monotone voice there really isn’t much to say about her character. The crazy thing is, she is an actually a good actress, everyone who saw “Her” is aware that her voice can indeed be used in many emotional ways but I think giving absolutely zero fucks about this film kind of takes the need for emotion away.

ScarJo starring as her current career all time low.

ScarJo starring as her current career all time low.

Thor: Thor is the only good thing about the Avengers, but he too is afflicted with THE MUMBLES. Every time this guy spoke I would sternly shout “SPEAK UP AN ENUNCIATE YOUR WORDS THOR” the Australian accent really does not help by lowering his voice about a thousand octaves (I’m Australian so this shouldn’t be an issue). That being said Thor’s zingers were the only ones that made me laugh and he does some pretty sick moves with THE HAMMER OF THOR. He is an actual superhero so he has my respect, even if I had to be his grandma the whole time telling him to “SPEAK UP LOVE.”

Hawkeye: This fucking guy. Hawkeye has ZERO superpowers, his “thing” is that he is good with a bow and arrow and he loves to complain about the fact he doesn’t have cool powers like the other ones. STOP REMINDING US YOU SUCK HAWKEYE, WE ARE FULLY AWARE THAT YOU SUCK. “wah I want to retire to go live with my pregnant wife in peace, but wah the Avengers need me too much” – NEWSFLASH they don’t. Get out of my life.

So having covered how much the protagonists suck I would like to point out how much the antagonist Ultron kicks ass.

Ultron: Voiced by James Spader Ultron is by far the best thing about this movie. An artificial intelligence with a glorious robot body, an army of drone robot slaves and the power to realise the reason the human race is going to die if aliens invade is because the human race is too busy killing each other to get their shit together to unite. This guy knows what’s up but he is foiled at every turn by the god damn shitty avengers!!!

All hail Ultron!

                        All hail Ultron!

So now you know the lay of the land, the main story of this movie is “will the Avengers kill the one thing this movie has going for it and save the human race from a fate they (let’s be real) probably deserve?” Well…

Joss Whedon (creator of Buffy) is responsible for this absolute monstrosity of a film, I don’t know what went wrong. Part of the charm of Buffy was the hilarious and over the top zingers but in this film the characters aren’t appealing enough to get away with them and they are so over used it just becomes cringe worthy. Please Whedon, see the error of your ways and return to your former glory, for the good of the industry.

In summary, this movie sucked, I hate everyone in it except the robots, robots rule, death to the Avengers.

Here’s the trailer:

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Review: Insurgent (2015)

So ICYMI the film “Divergent” came out a few years ago and was the first in this series of films based on the Young Adult novels by Veronica Roth. Insurgent is part two, and let’s just say, it’s very underwhelming.

This is my reaction face, it never changes, it never falters.

This is my reaction face, it never changes, it never falters.

So the plot centers around a dystopian “end of the world” scenario (recurring theme in YA fiction these days) where the remaining citizens of the world are crammed into one city protected by a giant wall. The people are divided into “factions” and your faction is determined when you come of age as a teenager.

The first film (Divergent) revealed our protagonist “Tris” (Shailene Woodley) does not fit into any one faction but is in fact a “divergent,” this makes her kind of a superhero (who has the inherent skills of all factions but ZERO awesome powers), but like all superheros the big lady in charge (Kate Winslet) is not a fan.

Still with me? Look it seems complicated but it’s one of those things where two seconds into the movie you understand.

This second installment “Insurgent” picks up where the first film ended, which means Kate Winslet has decided she wants to reign supreme and tries to kill anyone standing in her way ala Hitler. But look out, a bunch of teenagers are coming after you on their god damn youthful high horse to ruin everything.

Teenagers, I'm honestly surprised none of them have slurpees.

Teenagers, I’m honestly surprised none of them have slurpees.

This movie…. sucked.

I am not a fan of YA fiction, simply because I can’t stand teenagers in real life and in movies they are always portrayed as wiser, braver, more heroic and generally better than adults, when let’s all be real, teenagers are the worst. We were all teenagers once, and when each of us looks  back on that time we cringe and think of what obnoxious assholes we all were.

Anyway aside from the major downside of yet another end of the world movie where teenagers save the day there really isn’t much to note about this movie. As always Kate Winslet is a shining beacon in a bleak world of expressionless acting, monotone dialogue and a sea of  CGI. Worth noting this is the only sequel Winslet has ever appeared in, and we can forgive her for this because for twenty years she has consistently appeared in much more interesting films.

Winslet on Twitter - "This movie is so boring #GirlsGottaEatTho"

Winslet on Twitter – “This movie is so boring                               #GirlsGottaEatTho”

While watching this movie I was just waiting for something cool to happen, I mean in theory this has potential to be a really cool SciFi story! I have heard the film is nothing like the book it claims to be based on (as always) so I can’t help but wonder if it’s worth reading to tap into the potential glory.

I was so bored. I just.. I can’t express how boring this was for me. I’m not even mad, I can’t even get mad enough about this movie to write a funny review because the whole thing was just cardboard.

Look, if you have kids, this is probably a good movie to watch with them. It’s generally harmless, they will probably love the action scenes, it’s easy for them to follow and it won’t make you AS MAD as a lot of other kids movies. But if you’re a grown up looking for a decent movie, don’t even bother, may I suggest you stare at a wall for two hours instead because in all honesty that would be just as entertaining as Insurgent.

I don’t like writing blunt mean reviews but Insurgent really missed the mark for me.

Here’s the trailer (that is actually awesome and totally tricked me into seeing the movie)

Review: Fear the Walking Dead (Premiere)

WELCOME TO NOOB CITY.

Yes this week AMC launched their spin off of the wildly popular “Walking Dead” appropriately titled “Fear the Walking Dead.” Having just watched the first episode I am intrigued by but also skeptical of this parallel story.

The show follows the EXCEPTIONALLY noobish Clark / Salazar family as the world slowly devolves into the zombie riddled Earth we have all come to know and love from Walking Dead. You got a few classic cliches in there from junkie son, rebellious teen daughter all the way up to step father JUST TRYING TO HELP OUT.

Mr & Mrs Noob with their children Obnoxious Teenage Girl and Heroin Face

Mr & Mrs Noob with their children Obnoxious                    Teenage Girl and Heroin Face

I liked this first episode, it’s a slow burn but it things are buiding nicely and I am extremely excited to actually watch the city of Los Angeles collapse into chaos as the mysterious zombie virus takes over. There are a lot of great in jokes (for us who know the world is coming to an end) as well as a handful of scenarios often use in the first ten minutes of zombie movies before shit hits the fan, they have played with all these scenes and hints nicely! But honestly if I don’t get some God-Damn answers I am going to be extremely cheesed.

The first of many "WHY DID YOU GO IN THERE" scenarios.

The first of many “WHY DID YOU GO IN THERE” scenarios.

My one criticism is…. not a single character appeals to me. I don’t know what it is about Walking Dead and now FTWD that makes me hate the characters!! It’s hard to tell if it’s bad / clunky writing that makes them awkward and unappealing or some kind of profound statement that only selfish, obnoxious assholes have what it takes to survive in this kind of world. Anyway, they all suck but hopefully we get introduced to some better people a little ways down the road. The acting is okay, it felt very soap opera from the premiere but I think that’s just because I am not used to seeing so many first world problems complained about in a show that centers around a zombie apocalypse.

The action factor was LOW but given this was the first episode and it seems the whole first season is going to be a slow build up to chaos I am willing to wait it out in the hopes I get some grade A face exploding carnage out of my long term investment. Again, if this investment does not yield some brutal violence though I am going to be very disappointed.

ALL IN ALL if you are a fan of The Walking Dead and want to see how “shit got fully fucked” by the zombie virus, check this out. If you’re not already a fan this is probably going to be a bit of a dull anticlimax for you! The first episode wasn’t great but I am holding my punches…. for now.

Here’s the trailer!