Month: April 2015

Ye Be Warned Wednesday : Jupiter Ascending

If you knew anything about me you’d know that “big budget sci fi” and “Sean Bean” are two things that are guaranteed to draw me to ANY movie. A combination of the two in Jupiter Ascending just seemed too good to be true – and you know what? It was.

Jupiter Ascending is essentially a splicing together of various other SUPERIOR sci fi themes and ideas with an unnecessary love story thrown in for good measure. For me the most annoying and blazingly obvious examples of stolen intellectual property include (but are not limited to); the presence of an intergalactic beaurocracy (thank you Douglas Adams), the harvesting of humans for nefarious purposes (thank you EVERYONE) and the replica baddies, like this guy….


Spot the difference.

What they have created here with Jupiter Ascending is essentially an intergalactic fairytale between Mila Kunis (who sports various hand me downs from Queen Amidalas wardrobe for the majority of the film) and Channing “Pube Face” Tatum. Why do that?  Why take something perfectly awesome like science fiction and Disney Princess-ify it? It’s as if  the creators thought women wouldn’t be able to appreciate science fiction without a shit load of unnecessary sap laid on!  Give us a break guys!



This movie looks as though it was made for the purposes of winning the most awards for special effects and costume design (which admittedly are impressive) but the story itself left a lot too be desired.
Truth be told I mentally tuned out a little way in (thanks to fairytale rage) and if it hadn’t been for the promise of the occasional appearance of Sean Bean I probably would’ve turned this off 5 minutes into the Mila toilet scrubbing montage that was the first 20 mins of the film. Really, the only reason I watched it all the way to the end was out of morbid curiosity to see whether or not Sean Bean survived.


Spoiler alert: he does

Maybe my expectations were just too high and maybe what i saw as being rip offs of superior ideas were just poor homage attempts (a likely story), but maybe Jupiter Ascending just plain sucked. All I know for certain is that Sean Bean definitely did not get enough screen time.

Ye be warned!!


Review: Fast and the Furious 7

So, I wasn’t going to see this movie but considering it has smashed many box office records (including the fastest film to make $1 Billion (yes BILLION) dollars) I thought I should check it out. Plus who doesn’t love a few ridiculous action sequences every now and then.

This movie was RIDONKULOUS. I have never seen such blatant defiance of the laws of physics in my entire life. There are multiple instances of cars flying through the air from great heights (I’m talking out of a plane, out of a building and more), people flying through the air, basically anything that should not be flying through the air does so in this movie. It is relentless and utterly hilarious! I don’t even necessarily mean that in a bad way, it was so over the top that I just laughed and laughed, this movie brought me great joy. It was one of the dumbest things I have ever seen, yet I found myself thoroughly enjoying it, which is…. embarrassing to say the least.

So the plot is pretty thin here, all you need to know is there is a bad guy (Jason Statham) who is after “The Crew.” The Crew is Vin Diesel, Paul Walker (RIP), Michelle Rodriguez as it has been since the very beginning a zillion movies ago. But there is also Ludacris, The Rock and Tyrese Gibson who have been added over the last few years. There’s a whole lot of man muscles, testosterone, douche-baggery and arrogance here, which I am not going to go into that much. Also crucial, Jordana Brewster plays Paul Walkers wife and they have a kid now in the movies… I know right? There’s a lot on the line.

Classic Dwayne

                     Classic Dwayne

You don’t see these movies for the poetry, you see it because you want to zone out, not think about life, watch really dumb shit happen, carnage and just stop being so uptight. I find action movies are an incredible way to not care about anything for the whole time they are on. BUT if you don’t share this weird thing with me or hate action movies, do not waste your time, because it will leave you absolutely furious and / or disgusted.

Cinematography has some quality action technique but mostly looks like a music video from the early 2000s. The script is 100% terrible, dialogue between explosions is short and very to the point, mostly consisting of tough guy one liners and bad jokes, that is right up until the last ten minutes when things get way too real and very sweet.

As everybody knows Paul Walker died shortly after filming, and thankfully rather than some obscene over the top insanity, the film gave him a touching tribute. A tribute which I admit, took me by surprise and was very well done. It made me feel way more than it should have, as it did many people (twitter is full of people crying about the ending just FYI).

ALL IN ALL this movie was entertaining, I ate my popcorn, laughed at the obscenity and just chilled out for two hours, it wasn’t the best movie I’ve ever seen, it’s pretty low on the score card but I still enjoyed it enough to maybe secretly want to watch it again, for the lols of course….

Pipe fight.

                              Pipe fight.

Highlights include:
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson doing his signature infamous wrestling move on a bad guy.
A drone… yes.. drone shooting the shit out of everything.
Anything VIn Diesel says being extremely difficult to understand on account of the bass in his voice box being turned up to maximum.
Shameless product placement.
Shameless close ups of boobs and booties.
The gang go to Dubai and rack up an impressive amount of property damage.
Street fights.

Fast & the Furious 7 is in theatres now and making an absolute shit tonne of money.

New Joker Revealed!

In case you haven’t heard there is a little movie coming out next year called “Suicide Squad,” which has the following plot “A secret government agency recruits imprisoned supervillains to execute dangerous black ops missions in exchange for clemency.” (From IMDB)

These supervillains include, Lex Luthor, Harley Quinn and the most bonkers baddie of them all, The Joker. It has been known for some time that Jared Leto would be playing old Jokey but today we were given a picture that has sent the internet into a frenzy!!

Behold, Jared Leto as the Joker (anyone reading this via our email will not be able to see, Sozzles).

The shit is bananas  B-A-NA-NA-S

Leto is a fine actor (Dallas Buyers Club anyone?) but he does have some big shoes to fill, Jack Nicholson of course and the memorable yet tragic portrayal by Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. We’re hoping he pulls it off as the Joker is one of the best villains around!

Suicide Squad is due for release in 2016 and I am intrigued to see how cramming all these super bad baddies into one film is going to go!

MAJOR NEWS: Doctor Who movie plans revealed!

Whovians, brace yourselves. Julian Asange of Wikileaks has a mighty gift for you today with leaked emails between Sony executives revealing they plan to make a Doctor Who movie within the next 8 years!

BBC head of drama Danny Cohen has said there is “tremendous interest” in making a Doctor Who film, according to leaked emails that have been published on WikiLeaks.


According to the emails, Doctor Who producers are keen to make a film but feel “hot under the collar” about being pushed to do one soon.

The emails also reveal there is “pressure” from BBC Worldwide (the commercial arm of the corporation) to make a film.

In an email to Sony Pictures Entertainment chief executive Michael Lynton president of international production Andrea Wong said: “Just spoke to Danny Cohen re Dr Who.

“He said that while there has been tremendous interest (and pressure from BBCWW [BBC Worldwide]) to do a Dr Who film, the show runners feel very clear that they don’t want to do one at this moment. 

“That said, over the course of the coming months, the show running team is coming up with an 8 year timeline for the brand  – laying out all that will happen with it. He says that a film will certainly be a part of that timeline.”

After Lynton replied asking whether he “should meet with the showrunner”, Wong said there were no plans to make a Doctor Who movie in the next eighteen months.


Internal emails between Sony executives were leaked online last year by a group calling itself Guardians of Peace.

The emails have now been publushed on WikiLeaks and founder Julian Assange said that the database includes more than 170,000 emails from Sony Pictures Entertainment and a subsidiary company, as well as 30,000 other documents.

Good news from Midsomer!


The highly successful and immensely popular crime drama Midsomer Murders has been recommissioned for a further six glorious feature length episodes by ITV.

Filming is already underway for the 18th series, made by Bentley Productions (part of All3Media) and starring Neil Dudgeon as DCI John Barnaby and Gwilym Lee as DS Charlie Nelson, for screening in 2016.

Joining the team this series will be a new pathologist Dr Kam Karimore played by Manjinder Virk (Ordinary Lies, Call the Midwife, The Arbor), who will assist Barnaby and Nelson as they tackle intricate murder mysteries in the beautiful but deadly countryside of Midsomer.

Storylines are rumored to include bodysnatching, competitive cycling and the sighting of UFO’s over Midsomer County.  In other words, it looks like it will be 100% glory.

Ye Be Warned Wednesday: Fast & Furious 6

No, this isn’t the one that just came out, somehow that newest one is the SEVENTH Fast and the Furious movie, who knew that seven movies could be made about Vin Diesel and co looking sullen and blowing shit up.

Fast and the Furious 6 came out in 2013 and happened to be on TV last night, so i thought, why not! I haven’t seen any since the second one so I will give this one a try and see if they have improved on the formula at all over the past decade.

The answer, well… rather than be about a bunch of small time criminals boosting DVDs players, this one follows the “crew” taking down a group of mercenary terrorists in Europe. Mmmhmm you read that right. You see, Hobbs (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) is a military dude who for some reason that makes zero to little sense asks Brian (Paul Walker RIP) and Dominic (Vin Diesel) to help him catch the bad guy.

Hair is for the weak.

                  Hair is for the weak.

Having not seen the ones in between the AWFUL “2 Fast 2 Furious” and this, I can’t exactly explain why the military would want the help of a bunch of bozo car enthusiasts to stop this evil mercenary from getting a “list” which can cause the death of millions, but hey, I may just be too logical. Go into this prepared to stretch your logic as far as you can, you may want to down a few beers first.

Highlights include, the most ridiculous and unrealistic yet somehow extremely satisfying stunts and action sequences you have ever seen. My favourite was a car chase where the bad guy was in a TANK on a French highway, maximum carnage, no sense. Also the final climactic scene had some very impressive explosions, falls and punches to the face. I would say 10% in total of this movie is dialogue, the rest is pure violent mayhem.

I'm flying Jack!

                    I’m flying Jack!

Honestly, I was surprised by how little I hated this movie. It is BY FAR not great, but if you need a simple, easy to follow action movie where all you want to see is a bunch of bald badasses jump out of things, hurt people, explode shit or say punchy one liners then you might enjoy this movie!

BUT if you want an actually tense, complicated and more thought out movie to satisfy your blood lust, this aint gonna do it. May I recommend the latest James Bond “Spectre”  for those who want some semblance of a story line to follow.

ALL IN ALL, this movie was dumb, but I am not ashamed to admit that there was a small part of me that secret loved it for what it was, they weren’t trying to be anything other than insane, and I give them the respect they deserve for cramming as many ridiculous stunts in there as possible.

SO YE HAVE BEEN WARNED but… just quietly…. it was kind of awesome, if only for the lols.

Review: Game of Thrones Season 5 Premiere!

Well, well, well look who’s back in the game.

If (like us) you have been patiently waiting for the return of the biggest (and most pirated) TV show in the world, you would have been rejoicing earlier this week.

Not only did the first episode arrive, but a leak online provided savvy viewers with the first four episodes of Game of Thrones Season Five.

We wanted to stay on Santa’s good list so we have only watched the first episode, and despite the seemingly slow pace, it was very exciting.

Game of Thrones is one of those shows that slowly lower their toes, ankles and knees into the pool rather than bomb dive in all in one go, it’s one of the reasons it is so great. HBO don’t rush the story, they let moments land, tension build and characters become more than people we watch and forget about every week, but who we will yell at, cry for and rejoice in the victory (or in some instances; deaths) of each and every one of them.

Just like seasons before, this year there are many balls in the air. We have seen most characters and checked in with what they are up to (I’m being intentionally vague) from the first episode, but as usual there is one who we are yet to enocounter; Arya Stark. Who arguably is one of the crowd favourites. Usually it is Daenrys Targaryen (Khaleesi) who we are teased with tiny portions of, but it seems this year little Arya Stark is going to be the one who keeps us all waiting.

Readers of the books will no doubt be looking forward to the VAST array of new characters who come into play this season, for those who haven’t read, you will want to lay close attention or it’s going to get incredibly confusing, very fast. HOWEVER all of those (myself included) smug jerks who have read the books, you are not as all knowing as you may think. HBO have confirmed that some characters who have survived the books (so far) will face their deaths this season… So, you had better all be on the edge of your seats, as another ten episodes of glory unfold before your eyes!

As usual the acting, editing, writing, set design, cinematography, costumes and pretty much everything else is on point, this show does not fuck around.

We will be eagerly awaiting the next episode… Valar morghulis