Travolta: The journey.

Travolta is the Hollywood equivalent of that weird neighbour who you never want to speak to, but kind of have to because he is always *around.*

At the Academy Awards this week he seemed to accelerate his decline into madness by being the creepiest dude in attendance. In the photo below Travolta can be seen trying to kiss Scarlett Johansson, who looks completely unaware of the nightmare that is happening beside her.

He showed off, splashin around.

He showed off, splashin around.

With the current state of Travolta in mind, we would like to take you on an in depth analysis of the man,the myth, the enigma that SOMEHOW still gets invited to big events. Come with us now,on a journey up Mount Revolta.

Phase 1: Dreamboat Travolta
Before John descended into weirdsville he was quite the dreamboat, adored by many both in and out of the business after taking the lead role in the classic TV series “Welcome back Kotter.” That show was awesome, and Travolta was HILARIOUS in it. Next up came box office mega success stories Grease and Saturday Night Fever. If you were alive in the late 70s you probably wanted to bone or be John Travolta (even if he was already a Scientologist).

Phase 2: The Dark Times
Ummm anyone who has seen “The Boy in the Plastic Bubble” will surely agree with me that it was one of the lamest, most terrible films ever made. I have seen it many times,purely for the lols at the bleak acting and tacky storyline. It’s a masterpiece of straight to VHS/DVD film-making. After this came One of a Kind and Perfect (yep we also have a “wait, what movie?” face on right now). While Travolta was busy swimming in a sea of shitty movie scripts he turned down roles in both American Gigolo AND An Officer and a Gentlemen.. mistake.. these films solidified the career of who we will now official knight as Travolta Rival #1 – Richard Gere. TO BE FAIR Travolta married his Boy in the Plastic Bubble co-star Diana Hyland in the 70s, and she did tragically die of Breast Cancer in 1977, so Travolta had bigger things on his mind, we’ll let this one slide Johnny.

Phase 3: Attempting Serious Career
This is where things started to get interesting. The nineties were an awkward time for everything, but the roles Travolta was choosing were more sporadick than Naomi Campbells mood. We got Look Who’s Talking (ugh) followed by a string of far more serious roles like Pulp Fiction, Face/Off (glory) and Get Shorty. It seems like he was aiming for a legitimate acting career… things were maybe going his way, he could be taken seriously! On a personal note he had married again and had baby Jett, it’s all coming up TRAVOLTA.

Johnny Cool.

                          Johnny Cool.

Phase 4: It all ends here, it all ends… today
Swordfish came out in 2001.

I really want to let Swordfish resonate with you all.

Okay, so that movie was the worst, I think we are all in general agreement here. It’s cliched, poorly written and I honestly don’t know how it attracted so many big names. Maybe it was the fact we had all just survived the dawning of the (age of aquarius) new millennium? Hacking is a thing? Right? I think those were the only two questions the producers of this movie asked during the pitch. Somehow Hugh Jackman and Halle Berry were seemingly unaffected by this gargantuan pile of rancid dung though, so what happened to Travolta?

Battlefield Earth happened. I just, I can’t even be mad about this movie, I’m just so deeply deeply disappointed. This movie received BULK terrible reviews and was, if you’ll excuse my French, a real kick in the vagina for SciFi lovers.

Meanwhile in the 2000s Travolta had two more kids and became pretty obsessed with flying planes.

In all seriousness though in 2009 things took a truly tragic turn with the death of John’s first son Jett in the Bahamas. As much as I wanted to write a truly “Mean Girls” type expose on Travolta I really can’t ignore the fact his child died. What a fucking nightmare.

So, I take a respectful (metaphorical) four year pause before plunging into the years 2013, 2014 & 2015…

Phase 5: Commencing Launch Sequence
Well, I think we all kind of didn’t notice the Travolta movies for the past few years, but we sure have noticed his truly bonkers behaviour at various events and awards ceremonies. I honestly think his main problem is saying words. He just, really struggles with those words! The 2013 Oscars he word vomited Les Miserables incorrectly, in 2014 I think we all remember the trainwreck that was him trying to pronounce Idina Menzel,in case you missed it… here is the special little treat…

Between the Academy Awards Travolta enjoyed hobbies such as (alleged) sexual assault and battery.. Yeah that masseur suing him thing was pretty pretty bad. BUT the case was dismissed by the judge. So… we cool? Not quite. In 2014 Travolta’s pilot (wait I thought HE was a pilot? So why.. whatever) made claims that they had a sexual relationship (affair) which Travolta denied repeatedly. NOTE they were not assault claims, just claims the two had a consensual homosexual relationship.

travolta nothing wrong

Now we are in 2015 and I think Travolta has made it his secret mission to just try and weird the absolute fuck out of everybody. He’s got nothing to lose. I’m not kidding the only movie he has coming out this year is “Gummy Bear The Movie 3D.” If your only job this year was doing a voice for a movie about a highly addictive CANDY, you would probably feel like Travolta too.

zero-fucks-2

This years Oscars were simply a precursor to the glorious insanity that we can probably expect to see from Travolta, forever. Oh and if you need closure on the whole Idina Menzel name screw up, he tried his best this year too…(trust me, if nothing I have said in this has made sense to you so far, I really feel like this will clarify).

It’s been real Johnny-T and I can’t wait to see what new world of awkward we enter as the year progresses, CablaGoobla OUT.

Advertisements

One comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s