The Burn Book, Vol 1

No matter what TV show you are watching, there is always one character who drops the ball for the whole team and is 100% life ruiner. I have spent a lot of time hating these guys, just biding my time waiting for them to bite the dust and get the hell out of my face. Given I have a lot of pent up frustration I thought I may as well write a rambling blog post cataloguing all those people who are just “The worst.” These are not even villain characters,but “the good guys” who are severely lacking in charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent (the Rupaul rule)

1. True Blood – Tara

Firstly, it took me a few seasons to figure out what her actual name was due to their delightful Southern accents, so I spent a lot of time thinking her name was “terror” which, let’s be real, is far more appropriate. Terror is a 5 star, 100% Beef, Grade A life ruiner who literally does most of the work for the bad guys during her painfully long stint as sidekick / whingebag. (The statute of limitations on True Blood spoilers has passed but this is me politely warning you so I don’t degrade myself to Tara’s level) I was so delighted when she died that I said (direct quote) “Oh thank Christ that time wasting slug is dead, hallelujah.” From start to finish Tara sucks, like a leech that we were all waiting to drop off and explode in a disgusting blood explosion (like most deaths on True Blood) but she hung in there right until the last season. I won’t even go into the whole Pam and Tara plot, it sends me into far too big a rage.

Terror doing what she does best, crying and refusing to die.

Terror doing what she does best, crying and refusing to die.

2. The Walking Dead – Carl
Kaaaruuuuuhhhll, stop being such a smug little bastard and get eaten by zombies already. Every time a main character dies I like to say “it should have been you Carl.” I know he’s a child.. but seriously Carl, you’re the most insufferable thing on an Earth filled with flesh eating monsters. Get down off your high horse and listen to the grown ups or better yet, offer yourself to the walkers. I am sure they would also appreciate you shutting your god damn mouth for once.

Or let them eat you, please and thank you.

Or let them eat you, please and thank you.

3. The L Word – Tina
Holy shit, Tina Kinnard has about as much going for her as the inside of an empty pizza box, it’s just soggy cardboard that reminds you of everything you have lost. I know a lot of people will read this and think, “no way, Jennie is so much worse” but when you really think about it, who caused you more pain? Jennie or Tina? The correct answer is Tina. (Again spoilers) When Tina and Bette got back together in the end I was speechless, it was a truly bleak moment in television. Imagine breaking up with a seamonkey, then five years later deciding, you know what, I really miss that useless sack of bacteria,maybe I should get back with (Tina) seamonkey.

Ermagherd Bertte

Ermagherd Bertte

4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Xander
Okay, this one may cause controversy, but name me one good thing Xander ever did? Yes, correct, he did nothing. He was too busy bitching at everyone else and ruining the glory of crazy Anya. Maybe it was because he was the only member of the gang who had absolutely nothing going for them in the “powers” department, or maybe it was because he constantly reminded everyone of this fact in a “mightier than thou” rant. (Spoilers ahead, but really? this show ended a very long time ago) Remember when he lost his eye? Ermagherd Xander you lost your eye, you poor poor thing, I’m pretty sure something ten thousand times worse has happened to every other person on this show. Go tell Dawn about how great you are again, or better yet, fuck off.

Another painful survival

Another painful survival

5. American Horror Story – Queenie
I think, that my main problem with Queenie, is within the actress. Gabourey, I don’t even know where to start. Every time you open your mouth to speak I feel like I am watching a high school student do an oral presentation. How on Earth have you fooled everyone into thinking you are an actor? This baffles me. Aside from the true American Horror Story that is the Gabourey train wreck, Queenie is pretty much a non person in my memory, her only redeeming moment is when she puts her arm into a vat of
hot oil for sweet vengeance.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

6. Everyone except Omar & Bub – The Wire
I feel like I could just leave it at this? Everyone on this show is a huge D-bag with little to no redeeming qualities, we all just watch it for the crime and 90s phone tapping technology. Bub and Omar are the only good characters on this show,I find myself hating the rest more and more each time I commit to watching.

Worst Wire

7. Jerry / Gerry / Larry / Garry – Parks and Recreation
I’ll just put $1 in the Jerry Jar instead.

Possible cause of second fart attack.

Possible cause of second fart attack.

So there you have it, there’s always one character that ruins things for the rest of them. I am sure there are many many more of them out there, and perhaps I will work on a second installment, but for now I am more than curious to hear who you think are the cysts on your otherwise flawless favourite TV shows, please let me know in the comments below!

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