Alias

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I remember in the early 2000s when the co-creator of Cabla Goobla got her first phone, a Nokia 3315 and the thing she was most excited about was that she would have the same ringtone as the legendary spy from Alias; Sidney Bristow. (This was before every man and his dog had that god damn standard Nokia ring).

As promised, here is some terrible early 2000s techno and a series of wigs; the Alias intro.

Omg it’s so cutting edge.

This show was HUGE when it started in 2001 and launched the star of the show (Jennifer Garner) to instant stardom. Unfortunately since Alias it seems Garner is only in romcoms, it has been an unfortunate decline into the same role as the friendly faced girl next door.

Anywho, back to Alias, the premise is this;

Sidney Bristow (Garner) is your average twenty something woman, she’s studying at University, engaged to a Doctor and has two best friends (one of whom is Bradley Cooper, his character is intolerable). Oh.. but she is also a secret agent for a covert section of the CIA known as SD6, in the first episode you learn that SD6 is NOT the CIA but actually part of an organisation called The Alliance, aka THE BAD GUYS. Bristow finds out, some heavy shit goes down and she decides to be a double agent, working for the real CIA to bring down evil SD6 / The Alliance.

I would also like to mention that on EVERY SINGLE MISSION in the first season Bristow is “made” (that’s spy talk for noticed / found out /busted) so she really isn’t very good at being a spy at all, why TWO secret organisations want her working for them is pretty much nonsensical, but I digress…

Aside from being busted and forced to kick baddies in the face every episode, Bristow also dons a new disguise in each mission, these range from slutty cowgirl to slutty cybergoth all the way to slutty prostitute. If you’re going into watching this with an excitement about an ass kicking female secret agent, brace yourself for the excessive boob and ass parade, it’s real and it happens almost every time.

Despite my mockery this show is actually pretty good, if you start watching as just ‘filler’ or something to have on in the background of life you will soon be sucked in to the drama, Bristows entire family are involved in the secret service industry and her friends get roped in pretty quickly too, there is also a love interest with extreme levels of sexual tensions, so you’ll find yourself shouting at the TV in no time at all (despite your inner cynic telling you this show is awful).

Commitment Level: 4 out of 10
Conveniently every episode on the DVD (torrent) has a recap of what’s gone down previously, there are a lot of twists and turns but it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out if you miss chunks of an episode.

Soundtrack: Bleak.
The one redeeming moment of the soundtrack was “Hella Good” by No Doubt playing over Sidney Bristow walking in slow motion with a bright purple wig… that was the high point so expect tinny, shit drum and bass from the early 2000s, it’s truly horrifying.

Acting: That’ll do pig.
Garner is pretty good, Bradley Cooper plays her annoying friend and I guess he is decent because you fucking hate him the whole time… If you go into this with low expectations you’re bound to be amused and satisfied.

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